Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

I hope you are doing well and had a good year.

First of all, I totally understand how busy you must be this time of the year.

We are too many people. Children have priority of course, following by good Samaritans, adults with issues and troubled childhood etc... And then, the rest of us. The "somehow normal" ones who individually believe that we are unique. I'll get to the point, because this is what I always do, plus I know you have no time.

Regarding my last year requests, with all due respect dear Santa, I'm not sure you' ve got it right. No, I'm not complaining. Someone once said that those who complain are definitely unsexy and in no way do I  wish to lose my sex appeal. But, I wouldn't be totally mad to ask (as I do every year hmmm...) for the following simple package of  "Success-Love-Money", would I?...

1. Success: You know, Santa, some people have dreams and are very hard working, sooooo.... success doesn't sound really absurd, does it?

2. Love: Ok, that's a huge issue, I know. I'm not going to elaborate on that. I'm just kindly asking you to send me someone who I admire and makes me laugh and supports me. Not too much really. And oh, there has to be also a certain sexual chemistry with this someone. Let's be honest Santa, if you are not satisfied in your bed, how can you be satisfied in your everyday life? I won't get carried away with the importance of good sex right now, because it is slightly irrelevant.

3. Money: Common, Santa, please don't tell me money doesn't bring happiness. I bet whoever said that, must have been a millionaire taking a piss. Better to be miserable with money, than without.

Anyway, forgive me if I took much of your time. I'm sure you've got thousands of letters from children (spoilt or starving ones) to sort out. But, all of us have been children once. And we grew up. And became adults. Still, we want presents. We will always do. Human nature, I guess...

So, please, do take into consideration my requests, dear Santa. And I promise, I'll be a good girl. Actually, I was pretty good this year. Well... there have been some exceptions, but nothing extravagant... well, at least not for my standards... I mean... anyway, I' ve been a good girl this year.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Billie
xx


PS: Love your red outfit! Looking sexy...

Happiness is... well...hmmm...

Happiness. What a word. Over analysed and pursued from everyone. 

And if someone tries to define it, then, there is usually a pause. "Hmmmm...happiness. Well...yes..." and then more pauses and then maybe a witty definition (usually after having endlessly googled the word) comes up.

I don't think I could define happiness using a simple phrase. You are happy when you are satisfied, complete, when you accomplish your goals, when you are in love, when you are free, healthy or just because you bought a nice dress that really makes your bum look fit or because you ate an amazing chocolate cake or because you got vouchers for Boots and oh, what an excellent time to happen as you are completely skint at the moment. or because you invented the perfect way to get joyfully tipsy and not completely wasted (usually this is based on the simple fact of not mixing every drink that comes to your mind, but stick on one).

So, no witty quotes about happiness I am afraid. It is something indefinable for me. Probably because when you are happy, you are not thinking that you are happy. You just feel it. Inside you. And no further explanations or intellectual definitions can describe it precisely. You cannot even say how long happiness lasts. It can be for a few moments (as we usually tend to suppress such a spontaneous feeling and stuff it with concerns, problems and many many thoughts) or it can be a general attitude in life...

 

A few days ago, I found myself surrounded by ponies. And I couldn't stop smiling. Simply like that. And that was an example of happiness.

Smiley Face versus Sophisticated Eyebrow

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and I saw a smiley face looking back at me. Ok, two fairly black circles under the eyes were there, due to the lack of sleep and the absence of "Touche Eclat" appliance (I am not promoting the Yves Saint Laurent product, but let's be honest, we are talking about one of the 21st century miracles here), so...yes... apart from the circles, a smile was there. Well, it wasn't a Colgate smile, but still... it was there. Subtle and definite. I have to say, I was quite shocked actually. Not that whenever I look myself at the mirror, I get sick, no. I don't mean that. But this genuinely generous reaction of my reflection did take me by surprise. Not really used to it.

What is it that we actually see when we look ourselves in the mirror? 

All these thoughts that are bombarding our minds:

" Oh God, do I look like shit?...yes, I look like shit ", "Is this a pimple?!!! Today? Whyyyyyy? Whyyyyy meeeee?", "Hmmm, my nostrils are quite big, I think. Yep. They are huge, actually. Ok, let's try to ignore that for now", " If I raise my eyebrow like... like this....yeah... I do look really witty and clever and as one who has read Noam Chomsky, don't I?" , "This is the look....yeah...I mean really, who can resist now?"

Endless thoughts. Observing, judging, criticising, reassuring, encouraging, questioning our own images and actually ourselves.

Because that's what we are supposed to do, what we are expected to do, what we learned to do. To wake up in the morning and put on the appropriate mask on our faces, the one which smiles mysteriously or raises a sophisticated eyebrow or look confident or bubbly or cool or perfect. And then, by the end of the day we look (if we dare) in the mirror again to see this overwhelmed, exhausted reflection looking back, asking for some understanding and self loving-not in an arrogant, self indulgent way, not at all.  It is like it is asking for a little tap on the shoulder. A "come on, you did well" kind of thing.

A smiley face in the mirror. It doesn't happen very often, does it? And from a perfectionist's point of view, it happens very very rarely. Almost never. But when it does, it totally makes your day.

If a butterfly...

If I hadn't missed the train this morning (and kept swearing at my bad luck and cursing Nothern line, because I was going to be late at work again, second time this week and I shouldn't, because my boss had suggested me for promotion and instead of being punctual, I' m late AGAIN and...all these "the world is coming to an end" thoughts bombarding my mind which obviously is not functioning properly at 7.30am), so yes... If I hadn't missed the train this morning, I wouldn't have bumped into that old friend who I hadn't seen for two years, due to the loss of my mobile phone and all my contacts etc...

If I wasn't rejected from that audition (which no matter what any actor says, it always hurts, despite the whole "life coaching" support you get from all these extremely patient friends that chose to be your friends before you decided to become an actor and now it is too late to change their minds, from your parents who love you even if you commit a crime or from your personal councelor if you can afford one), I wouldn't be available for the filming I am doing now.

If I couldn't be bothered to go to that birthday party, I wouldn't have met my partner. If I hadn't looked outside the window while sitting on the bus, I wouldn't have seen the 70% mid season sales in that shop. If I had walked through that path at 22.45pm, I would have been raped and bitten up. If I had been on that plane, I would be dead... Ok, let's not get too serious. My point is, life is full of random events. coincidences, crossing paths. Life is full of "if"s. It is almost as if we are some kind of breathing marionettes whose strings are being pulled by a super human force or our lives are a simple reaction of unpredictable circumstances and effects. I am sure you've heard about the butterfly effect. A hurricane in Florida might occur if a butterfly flaps its wings in China.

So...what are we supposed to do?

With my simple mind, I choose not to bother that much about the butterfly. How can I let an insect (no matter how beautiful it is) to control my life? I still believe we do make our own luck. A huge amount of faith, hard work and positive attitude is required for sure. And like that, you move on. And if things don't go the way you'd planned to (probably because a restless butterfly couldn't keep its f*** arse still), then you just have to accept that and re-adjust and move on. And if everything goes completely wrong (probably a bunch of butterflies going crazy), then you just have to take a deep breath, wait until the storm is over, re-adjust and move on. And this is how you do actually create your own luck and make your life. Not by ignoring or underestimating the power of the life itself, but by holding on to your will power, remaining strong and never giving up.

Someone could always say "Man makes plans and God laughs". Well, it's always good to make someone laugh anyway.

Broccoli on steam and then chocolate cake

Broccoli on steam and then chocolate cake / gym and then a cigarette to "digest" the sit ups / green tea (or at least Earl Gray) and then neat votka (ok let's not make it hardcore, maybe with a bit of tonic) /  bright pink and then elegant black / Tarkovsky's Sacrifice and then Sex and the City 2 / Dostoevky's Crime and Punishment and then Cosmopolitan (focusing on articles about sex and hmm...horoscope, although yes, I don't believe in this crap)... I can carry on forever, always loved contrasts in life.

You are in the bus and around you there is a whole society sample, like a miniature of the world. From the approximately 47 year old lady with huge red nails who is reading with religious devotion the Sun, to the teenager who is wearing his massively baggy pants soooo low that you have established every little detail of his boxer and from the hard working mother with the usually non-stop screaming baby in the high-tech pushchair, to the guy who has more tattoos than hair on his body.

Contrasts are everywhere, either in your own life or in the world. We just have to accept them, I guess. Why even fighting the fact that you  genuinely want to see the cheapest, tastless reality show on tv? If you feel like watching it, then so be it. No need for further explanations and in depth analysis. By the way, I am not talking personally now. I am not a fan of reality shows...ok I might have watched once and ok...the tv was on and I happened to be there...ok I am justifying myself now. But that's my point. I've been thinking that we tend to hide or justify our little pleasures or actions that don't match to our character or to whatever image we are showing.

And after these little thoughts, I am definitely eating that last piece of this shockingly delicious bunnofee pie which is still in my fridge. After all, I did go to the gym today and I haven't eaten a sweet for...oh...I am just gonna eat it.

The word "IMPOSSIBLE"

im pos si ble
adj
1. Incapable of having existence or of occurring.
2. Not able of being accomplished: an impossible goal.

"Impossible"... I have heard this word counltess times in my life. Definitely one of the most popular, well spread words. It's like a bitter candy in people's mouths or a sweet excuse for weak hearts. Sometimes, you hear it from the others as an obvious answer/comment to what you are suggesting.

For example: -"...and I might be nominated for an Oscar..."
                     -" Common, that's impossible!"

Some other times (and that's the most dangerous case), you say it to yourself.

For example: -"...and as I will be drinking my martini, sunbathing in my villa in Miami..."
                     -" Oh, hold on...that's impossible!"

I am using random examples, just to get to the point. On second thought, I could have used some others, deeper and more meaningful ones. Next time, I might come up with that of the man who was in a wheelchair and within a year, he walked again, started training hard and managed to compete in a Decathlon challenge! That would have been a more inspiring example indeed. Probably, I'm an ambitious. materialistic (but deep down sensitive) girl and I'm afraid, there is nothing I can do about it.

Anyway... "IM-possible". How can anyone allow a tiny little prefix to determine their lives? Why keep feeding so generously the rational, pragmatic side of our minds and let the other side (yes, I'm referring to the dreaming one) starve? I just can't imagine life without dreaming, fighting, moving...that's all. And I'm really surprised how so many people do so. Giving up their dreams and goals, just because "common, that's impossible". As if they have a second chance to try again. I'm not questioning now if there is life after death, that's a huge subject and obviously no one (including me) has an answer. And if anyone claims that they know for sure what's happening after life (or after death, I'm not sure which one is right), I'm sorry to say, but that's ridiculous. To put it mildly...

Life is what's happening now and that's all that matters. And as we only live once (let's take that for granted, as there are not other options really), it is better to make the best of it, I say. Being positive might be one of the most difficult things to achieve, but I have realised that when you get it, even the most tightly closed door will open for you. Without even having to push or knock. All you have to do is throw all these "impossible" rubbish out of the window first.

We are all born with a spark of madness and gradually we cover it under a more convenient rational suit, until it becomes dust and disappears in the closet of lost dreams.

I don't know why I'm saying all these. Maybe because I have been questioning myself lately, thinking if all this effort is worth it.  And then... And then I made a gin and tonic, with fresh lime of course. And then I took a deep breath. And then I stopped questioning or doubting. I'm just moving forward, never giving up. And that's it.

im pos si ble
1. One of the worst enemies of humans. Attacks insidiously people's hearts and eats them slowly. Usually accompanied by fear.
2. Extremely lethal to dreams.